1 word: Truth

This morning I woke up thinking about truth. Not just telling it, or living it, but realizing it. Knowing deep down or in your bones that something is what it is and recognizing what will and can change are very different things and I have to become more accustomed to understanding what the truth is for me. I had a conversation yesterday and another one today that illuminates the truth I've been hiding from for a while. I've really known it all along, but was struggling to shelter myself from it. It's time to recognize and live it. Not just because that is what is fair to myself, but also what is fair to everyone else as well. I had someone confide in me today that I wasn't expecting, which was both welcome and stark. I hope it means my attempt to be more real and truthful with people is helping. It's been somewhat freeing, but also very heavy to release that truth and make sure it is out there. I also had to tell the hard truth today, to face a situation that I'd been avoiding because I thought I could change it. I realized later that I can't. It's somewhat of a failure on my part, but also a realization that things are what they are at certain times and sometimes it is best to just realize the truth of the situation and deal with it. Today has been about truth in so many varieties, I hope the essence of the day continues as it goes.

Sunset - 2 minutes

After another extremely frustrating day, I left the building having talked to HR for the last hour and a half of the day debating who to hire for the position that I have open. It was a stressful and intense conversation that led to a variety of different topics that weren't really fun to discuss. I knew it was getting late, so I ran downstairs and grabbed my stuff, eager to head to happy hour with the team. As I was walking to my car and pulling out of the parking lot the sunset and sky was as deep pink as it possibly could be. It flashed up from the skyline to the light blue of the sky and was so brilliant. It reminded me that there's beauty each day, just have to look for it and recognize it.

1/15 3 things

Blue Moon. Downton Abbye. Hairdryers.

1/14 3 things

Trouser cut wide-leg dress pants, sweaters with buttons, apples.

1 word: Need

I've tried this so many times before. This writing of things down. The way I feel, what I want, my frustrations, etcetera, etcetera, etcetera. I don't know why I never stick with it, but I do know I need it. Some nights the brain just won't turn off. I need to get it out. In the last few months I've written 2 real letters, to a real person to get some of it out. Now I don't really have anything to SAY to anyone per se. I need to probably. I need that part of the interaction, but maybe I just need to get it out. To say something, even if no one is listening. It reminds me of the new movie that is out right now called HER. It's about a man who falls in love with his operating system. People are saying it's crazy or stupid or not feasible. Am I crazy for thinking it actually IS feasible? That maybe sometimes it isn't about falling in love with someone, it's about falling in love with ourselves? About finding what it is inside of us worth sharing? Even if no one is there to really react? Isn't it about us sharing the high points of the day or the low points of the day or just the regular points of the day. Every day isn't going to be great. In fact, depending on where we are not many are going to be fantastic. In fact, every day might just royally suck. Until that point we figure out why it doesn't. Til we trick ourselves into knowing why it is good. Til we get over the pain and the frustration and the tiredness and the backaches. Then, as they say, it might get better. But in the midst of waiting, maybe what we need is just somewhere to put those feelings.

I'm going to try again on the happiness dividend. I'm going to try and remember 3 things I'm grateful for each day. I'm going to try and write for just two minutes each day the best part of my day. It probably won't be glamorous every time. But at least I'll be trying to look for it. And isn't that most of the battle anyway?

1/13 - Three Things

Christmas trees. Clean bathrooms. New flannel sheets.

Roar - 2 minutes

Left TEDxCrossroads in kind of a hurry. Just had a great talk about a lot of things I've been thinking about lately. Failure, not succeeding, waiting for something to happen, not sure what's up next. What's the next milestone? Got in the car to hear Katy Perry's ROAR on the radio. The only line I know is eye of the tiger, something something, but driving fast, on the highway after a not great day just because I can't get perspective it was that song that got me back to "life isn't all bad". Even looked up to see the little smiley face on my sunroof that reminded me of better days.